


Words Don't Come Easy

by jung_eunkyung



Series: Love, The Elixir of Life: Hyunwoo and Kihyun Throughout the Years [6]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Comfort No Hurt, Confessions, Falling In Love, Light Angst, Lots of different things lmao idk how to explain, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Revelations, Romance, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-17 18:19:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13664622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jung_eunkyung/pseuds/jung_eunkyung
Summary: "And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in." - Jane Austen





	1. Koi No Yokan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> koi no yokan (恋の予感)
> 
> (n.) lit. "Premonition of Love"; the sense that one can have upon first meeting another person that the two of them are going to fall in love.  
> This differs from the idea 'love at first sight' in that it does not imply that the feeling of love exists, rather it refers to the knowledge that a future love is inevitable.

Hyunwoo never told Kihyun this, but when they first met he knew they’d end up together.

Okay, maybe not exactly. He wasn’t some sort of oracle that could predict the future.

He’d never forget that day; Hyunwoo is not the kind of person to remember events or significant dates, but he could recall this one with complete clarity. It started out as a normal Wednesday: Hyunwoo is with his flatmate and close friend Jooheon, having lunch at the university’s cafeteria like they often did when their schedules permitted.

It’s a slow day for him – he’s finished all but one of his classes, which didn’t start until later in the evening, so he has time to relax and not stuff his face with food as he often finds himself doing (ah, the joys of being a university student). He’s leisurely enjoying his _jjampong_ , listening as Jooheon told him about a certain incident that occurred at his lecture earlier when they hear a familiar loud voice in the distance. The two look at the source of the noise and indeed, there is an acquaintance of theirs with another male. They seem to be having a very heated discussion while walking towards the vicinity.

“Oh, Changkyun-ah!,” Jooheon calls, putting a hold on their bickering as they both look over in his direction. Jooheon smiles as they wave back, expressions turning nice and not sour as they seemed before, gesturing at them to come over. The pair walks over to them, but their squabble doesn’t cease, instead picking up and getting even more heated. Hyunwoo watches in curiosity and slight amusement as they approach and his ears pick up something about sleeping late and having trouble waking them up in the mornings.

Hyunwoo knows Changkyun, although admittedly not well; he’s met the younger male a few times when the latter came over to the apartment to hang out with Jooheon. He’s a bit strange with some random tendencies but very humorous and endearing. Hyunwoo had taken a liking to him almost immediately, despite their shy natures keeping them from talking very much. The person beside him, however, is someone Hyunwoo’s never seen before, and he appraises the man silently as he fist bumps his flatmate with a wide smile before his eyes move to meet Hyunwoo’s and he gives him a subdued grin.

Jooheon recalls just then that neither of them knows each other, so he takes it upon himself to introduce them both. “Hyung, this is Kihyun-hyung, he’s Changkyun’s roommate. Kihyun-hyung, meet Hyunwoo-hyung, he’s my flatmate,” he says as he nods over at the chairs across them, indicating at the two to sit. Hyunwoo nods in acknowledgment as Yoo Kihyun – apparently also younger than him but older than the other two – says hello in a voice much softer than he’d heard just moments before.

There isn’t much about him that strikes Hyunwoo as unique – sure, he’s pleasing to the eye, with a healthy dose of self-confidence that only boosts his attractiveness, and as far as first impressions go, he seems like someone with an agreeable disposition. But there is also something about Kihyun that keeps the elder’s eyes trained on him – he thought long and hard about it for days afterward, but Hyunwoo couldn’t say what it was for sure. He stood out, but why?

Maybe it was his smile – friendly and genuine and, well, _pretty_ , to say in the least. He’s got very cute dimples just below his eyes when he smiles. Or maybe it was the way he adjusted himself to the people around him, like the way he addressed Hyunwoo with a politeness and a reserved attitude that mirrored his own, yet joked around with the youngest two with comfortably. It could possibly be the way he had made sure to include Hyunwoo in the conversation, despite the latter being content to watch them speak, but had remained shy when addressing him each time.

Whatever it was, there was definitely _something_ about this Kihyun that has Hyunwoo looking at him a little differently  – something that had his heart do tiny somersaults each time he smiled at him or had him hanging on to his every word without either of them realizing. It’s not love at first sight, or even attraction at first sight, really; Hyunwoo had had crushes before, has had infatuations and a first love – he can tell that this isn’t any of that. This is _different_.

Hyunwoo doesn’t really know what it could have been, but he does get the strong feeling that his relationship with this Yoo Kihyun is going to be something special – something he and the latter will treasure – and more than that, it’s going to be one that lasts a long, long time.

Years later, as he held Kihyun’s hand while they exchanged vows and rings, declaring themselves one another’s in the eyes of the law, their family, friends and most importantly themselves, Hyunwoo remembers that the day he first met this man; this man who ended up becoming the love of his life, the one he has and will be spending his days together with. He recalls that unnameable feeling that lingered in his mind as he looked into Kihyun’s deep brown eyes.

And now, once again looking into his orbs, Hyunwoo sees the warm elation that seems to spread to him, setting his cheeks and ears aflame, and he realizes that all this love Kihyun has – it’s all for him, just like all the affection he himself holds for the younger and wants to shower him with. The priest informs them that yes, _you may finally kiss_ and they share shy smiles and quiet laughter; Hyunwoo feels his breath catch at his throat from the way Kihyun’s eyes crinkle as he smiles in happiness.

They’re both aware of their audience and it makes them bashful, but Kihyun is the one to move, fisting the folded lapels of Hyunwoo’s suit and the latter lets himself be pulled forward, holding on to his now husband by the arms and pressing their lips in a tender kiss – _their first of many as spouses_ , a knowledge that sends him giddy from the swell of happiness in his heart – and as he takes in Kihyun’s familiar scent, making him feel like a safe haven the elder can take shelter in, Hyunwoo knows that he was right all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as Kudos is welcomed, constructive criticism is much more appreciated. Enjoy!


	2. Hygge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hygge
> 
> (n.) A Danish word/concept with no literal translation to the English language, it refers to taking pleasure from the presence of gentle, comforting and soothing things; a feeling of friendship, warmth, peace and contentment in a comfortable and cozy atmosphere with the absence of frustrations or anything emotionally overwhelming; a coziness of the soul.

“Good morning.”

Kihyun tears his sight away from the book he was reading, looking up to meet Hyunwoo’s puffy eyes as he entered the living room. He hums as a clap of thunder echoes throughout the apartment. The two look in the direction of the door instinctively, even though it isn’t open and doesn’t show any view of the landscape whatsoever.

“It’s still raining?,” Hyunwoo speaks once more. Kihyun inclines his head slowly in answer, eyes trailing back to his book. Kihyun was an avid reader, but work and life in general, as usual, has made it hard for him to spare time for a good book. That, and his inclination to read digitally – saving him space and money. But there’s a different pleasure in reading the conventional way, and a rainy day which dampened whatever plans they had to go out - or pretty much do anything at all – seemed like the perfect chance to curl up on the couch while Hyunwoo decided to take a nap.

“Yeah,” he sighs, patting the space beside him on the couch. “Come sit here,” he requests nicely. Once Hyunwoo is beside him, he crawls on top of the older, sitting snugly on his lap and letting the latter’s arms wrap around his waist as he goes back to his book. Although not scared, the couple jumps in surprise when another rumble echoes through the apartment, this one much louder than before. They hear the wind pick up, howling as raindrops hit the building even harder.

“I’ve never seen it rain like this in London, it’s weird. I don’t think I’ve even heard thunder this loud in a while,” the shorter muses while flipping to the next page. Hyunwoo nods in agreement, peeking at Kihyun’s current object of fixation. _The Girl Who Wrote Loneliness._ He tells himself to ask Kihyun if he liked it once he’s finished, before nodding again at his next statement. “Reminds me of Seoul during the rainy seasons.”

“Do you miss it?,” Kihyun asks after a while. “Seoul?” Hyunwoo doesn’t move to answer, but he knows the latter is thinking about his question, so he waits, a finger keeping his place on the page he was on as he stares at the older’s face, tracing out his features with his eyes.

“Well,” Hyunwoo starts, the younger feeling his chest resonating from the vibration of his voice, “Kind of, yeah. I mean, it’s the place we grew up in, you know? It’s all we’ve ever known, and suddenly we’re here.” Kihyun nods in understanding. He gets what Hyunwoo means. They both may find the metropolitan city nice now, but it hasn’t always been that way – it was daunting to a couple of 20-something-year-olds who didn’t speak the most fluent English and had never really been overseas before, much less to settle down.

“Would you go back, if you could?,” Kihyun questions quietly, turning to look at the other properly. It’s a question that has lingered on his mind once he finds that he’s really and truly adapted to living there - to the extent that Kihyun is sure he’ll find Seoul more alienating than London now if they were to return. Hyunwoo meets his eyes for a bit and replies in a sure voice. “Not really. I like this.” Kihyun ponders upon the older’s words for a moment. _This?_ , he repeats in his mind, thinking about their situation now.

Here they are, nearly nine thousand kilometers away from pretty much the only place they have ever lived in, surrounded by foreign-looking people in a foreign-speaking city with foreign manners and cultures. It’s bizarre and strange and it definitely scared Kihyun in the beginning, although he never told anyone. It’s not like he moved to another state that he can just catch a train or a bus to go back if he wanted to; England is on an entirely different _continent_.

Here Kihyun is, in a small apartment in the heart of a lovely, populous city that took him and Hyunwoo in without hesitation. Sure, it’s not the best place – they probably could have done better in Seoul, both in terms of money and career and maybe even lifestyle – and sometimes Kihyun is reminded of the Han River when he looks at the River Thames, head filled with memories of the sights and sounds that have been his haven ever since he can remember.

But he has come to the realization that sometimes home doesn’t necessarily mean his birthplace. It doesn’t mean speaking his mother tongue or eating the food of his people. Sometimes, home can mean the contentment of being with someone he loves, free from problems and conflict. _Home could mean this_ , Kihyun thinks – feeling sated in Hyunwoo’s embrace as the rain lulls them to a slight doze, without having to worry about anything at all (except maybe about whether the main character is going to stop suffering and putting him in misery too).

“I like this too,” he says finally, looking back at the other. His lips slowly stretch into a smile, and it grows when Hyunwoo grins back at him, despite his attempts to rein it in by biting his lower lip. He noses the side of Kihyun’s neck, murmuring a soft, “I’m gonna sleep. Let me know when the rain stops, I need to go to the petrol station – the car’s running out.” before leaning his head back and rearranging them so he’s more comfortable.

Kihyun hums in acknowledgement, pressing a kiss to the curve of Hyunwoo’s jaw just below his ear and scrunching his face in amusement at the light stubble that tickles his lips – “Shave, hyung,” he reminds Hyunwoo, smiling when the latter complains that he is even lazier when it comes to shaving – before tucking himself back into his makeshift seat, laying his head on the elder’s chest and opening his paperback once more.

The slow, rhythmic sound of Hyunwoo’s heartbeat is comfortingly close to his ear, and his light snores fade into the background as Kihyun takes a deep breath and goes back to his reading.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as Kudos is welcomed, constructive criticism is much more appreciated. Enjoy!


	3. Ya'aburnee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya'aburnee (يقبرني)
> 
> (n.) lit. "You bury me"; a declaration of one's hope that they will die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them, how unbearable life would be without them. This morbidly beautiful expression is generally used in the Levantine Arabic dialect.

Hyunwoo has had quite a few brushes with death throughout his life so far. There was that bike accident when he was ten, and then the time his friends thought it was funny to play around by the steps during high school and he tripped. Oh, and how could he forget that time he decided to take his mother’s car without her knowing, although it used manual transmission and the last time he drove one of those was when he took his driver’s license. (It was a terrible accident, but he and his mother got a good laugh from it for years after that.)

It didn’t really scar him (both physically and mentally), these sort of things; he doesn’t really get a revelation and go off for pilgrimages to give thanks to Buddha for saving his life. He’s always had the frame of mind that things are bound to go awry unexpectedly somewhere in life, and that was okay as long as it didn’t reel him too badly and he could get back up in the end. But they still are major experiences, and each time he comes out of them Hyunwoo does sort of learn things. He never lets it faze him, merely teach him a lesson.

 

One day, their apartment building catches on fire. Kihyun is out of town for work, and Hyunwoo had been staying with a friend and colleague while the former was gone. He gets a frantic call from one of their neigbours, and Hyunwoo doesn’t hesitate before rushing over and throwing himself into the building. He doesn’t see the flames, but it is hot and the smoke smells strong.

Hyunwoo can’t forget the way he struggled to breathe as he pushed people towards the exit he came from, the way his vision blurred from tears due to the smoke that stung his eyes. He’d never felt so helpless as he chokes and heaves for oxygen, coughing as he inhales more fumes instead. He can tell the way his body weakens, and as he slowly loses consciousness he thinks _this is it, this is- oh God, Kihyunnie_.

That’s what haunts his thoughts as he delves through the darkness for what seems like an eternity: Kihyun.

Kihyun,  the first thing that greets his senses in the morning and the last at night – there every second of the day with Hyunwoo – be it by presence or thought. This is no exaggeration; he is part of the elder’s every waking moment in one way or another. Even when they’re both at their respective jobs, Hyunwoo can’t stop thinking about him, besotting as it seems. It’s not the way most people would expect - Kihyun isn’t stealing away his attention and leaving him distracted from the rest of the world like young lovers first falling for each other, no; but he is there, always at the back of Hyunwoo’s mind no matter what the latter is doing.

Hyunwoo could be at his desk, getting his never-ending stack of paperwork done, and somehow his thoughts will lead him to the smaller male. He could be taking a sip of water from his bottle and he’ll recall that Kihyun filled it for him, assuming that Hyunwoo wouldn’t remember. (He isn’t wrong, but Hyunwoo will still say he is.)

Even when he’s zoning out, bored to death by work all Hyunwoo can recall is the way Kihyun always rearranges the things on his desk whenever he visits, telling the older he’s going to lose something important and get in trouble if he doesn’t keep his workplace clean.

And sometimes the stress of his job gets the best of him, leaves him pressed with a pounding headache and a strong will to just head home and sleep away his worries. He has to take a breather then, clear his head and force himself to relax by emptying his muddled, tired mind. It’s always at times like that he realizes just how much Kihyun takes up his thoughts.

He can stop thinking about so many things that occupy his brain – his report that’s due that day but he hasn’t even bothered to start, his mother all the way in Korea, alone and probably lonely as well, that disturbing news of the attack near London Bridge, so close to his own home – but he can try his hardest and the image of that smaller male will still creep back into his thoughts.

It would bother him, being so _obsessed_ (there’s really no better word Hyunwoo can use to describe this, as unhealthy and creepy as it sounds), but Hyunwoo doesn’t think it’s a bad thing when it makes him feel better, leaves him calm and even happy. His memories with Kihyun always come back to him, and a warm feeling blooms in his chest, and Hyunwoo welcomes it, basks in it. He just loves him so, so much-

And that’s all Hyunwoo can say when he wakes up and sees Kihyun in front of him, wearing his heart on his sleeve and tears in his eyes. It’s all Hyunwoo can think when he strokes Kihyun’s hair, before removing his oxygen mask and weakly pulling the younger forward to press his lips on his forehead and whisper a hoarse plea for him to stop crying.

Kihyun has integrated his presence so well into Hyunwoo’s life, embedded himself so deeply into the latter’s existence that it frightens him to even _try_ to think what it would be like if the younger was in his shoes instead, and he wasn’t as lucky as Hyunwoo was to survive. It’s cringey and barf-worthy and so, so cheesy, but Hyunwoo just can’t live without him.

It’s almost funny and illogical when the male thought about it – he’s spent a majority of his life without the smaller man, so it shouldn’t make sense for him to suddenly be so dependent on him, no matter how much he loves him and is used to his presence. But he _is_ , and it startles him to think that he might one day have to survive without the younger.

It almost makes him wish that when that time came, he wanted to be the first one to go, as selfish as it sounded – Hyunwoo just didn’t think he could go a second without Kihyun. _Not one second._


End file.
